SpellBound Mistakes

School.

Its technology is a faster way to make us wait longer.

Its teachers dont like me.

I dont like them.

So its okay.

Just a few more months left, until i make my choice.

Go to college and bury myself in debt with student aid?

Or work at my dads shop in Mexico, get out of this place.

No one here will hire me.

Im crazy and can never, ever live up to peoples expectations, not even my own.

Yes, I may be your typical optimistical pessimist.

But i dont care anymore.

I have no future.

Posted 6 months ago

I remember when you were like this…

March 14, 2011

“Caroline Gamboa, I love you with all my heart. I can’t sleep now. I am just sitting here, freaking out because I get so worried about you. I hate hearing you say bad things about yourself that AREN’T EVEN TRUE! I know you want to go to the prom. I know it. If I am wrong then I guess I fail, but I really think you wanna go. I want to go too. I said I didn’t like school dances before because before, I didn’t have anyone to share those dances with. I don’t like going to dances alone, but now I am with you and I am starting to like them again. I want to just make happy memories for us both. I LOVE YOU!111 And I want to make you happy, but I can’t do that for some reason, I just never can, at least not for long. I want to get you to feel like nothing could ever bring you down, and that you are drop dead gorgeous and that you are someone super duper awesome and special to me! I babysat Bella today so my dad is gonna pay me for that, so I almost have the 75 dollars at least to get in. I don’t need a tux but I can figure something out if you want. I am so serious babe I love you so much, I love you enough to make up for your lack of love for yourself. I want to spend every moment with you, good or bad, and do my best to help you through it all cause I love you!!!! I am so depressed right now because your life just sucks. Trust me it does. I don’t want to hear bull shit about starving kids in africa, everyone has their own problems, you can’t make yourself feel like your problems are any less because they are still problems! I want to make all your problems go away. I want to give you an awesome house, a family, safety, anything I could possibly give you. I would give you my life if I could! In my head the words I am typing sound like I am freaking out but I am tired and I think what I am typing looks just plain. I want to dream of you tonight… I can never dream and I hate it so much…I want to fall asleep and dream about you and our future, and that we are both happy as can be and you finally love yourself and see how beautiful you really are, and you never have to put up with any more crap in your life ever again. I wish I could have nightmares too, so I can at least sort of go through what you go through with all your nightmares.., I love you so much Caroline… I hope there isn’t a limit on the number of letters I can type… I want to give you a much better life than you do now love… I want to take you to prom. Just so you know, I have never stayed up rambling on in a facebook message about hoiw much I love you and that I want to marry you and all this stuff to any other girl. You are the first to ever truly win my heart. I always had thought Naomi would cheat on me, so I was insecure with her, always freaking out whenever she said she was hanging out with a guy. I don’t care about heranymore, I want you. I love you so much. I don’t feel insecure with you. I trust you so much babe,. I know you would never cheat on me, and I would never cheat on you either. I don’t want anyone else. I am not just a guyu. I want a long lasting relationship with someone I love, I don’t want to just date girls for looks or shit. I want you, I want to marry you and love you. It may not seem like it, but you are on my mind like 100% of the time. I will sometimes day dream that you are in trouble, being kidnapped or something, and I save you and I am hero and I save you and it’s like happy ever after. Or I might be eating something and I will wonder if you would like whatever it was I was eating, Or if you what flavor of whatever you like most. I think of all these little details about you I want to know… and then you tell me and I forget cause I can’t remember shit… But I am getting better at it though. I remember your birthday, our anniversary, that you like Lindy’s (I think) and Brooklyn’s pizza, uhhhhh… I am like half brain dead I can’t remember what I remembered… I remember your class schedule, that John is your big brother bear, and other stuff that I remember but I don’t remember what I remembered…But I do my best to remember all the little details about you I can. Wait, you like Lady Gaga too. Wow long message, I don’t know if facebook will let me send it. You say you want me to tell you stuff and let you know how I feel. These are all my thoughts as I think them, I didn’t really think this message out, it is just going on randomly. I am surprised I spelled so much stuff right. Also, I don’t usually say everything cause it is all a big jumbled mess like this message is. I hope facebook lets me send it. I don’t want to split it into like 50 different messages. I love you Caroline. I am sorry I stayed up til… 12:16 pm writing this long ass message and that you have to read through the WHOLE THING (DX) on your phone. Unless you closed it early, then you probably wouldn’t even read this. Jeezusssssssss I can ramble. OMFG!!!!111111111 I remember what cake you like! Funfetti with milk chocolate frosting! Ha ha! Yay for cake! Blah cake, there was cake downstairs that I took a bite of and now that I remember it I feel sick. It had a gross texture., JMy head hurts. I kinda doint want to correct my mistakes so you can see how I am messing up. I wish I could fall asleep on your floor and listen to you sleep again… It was nice… I hate my room… I don’t like sleeping there… It feels so cold and empty and lonely… I think it contributes to why I play so many video games. I can’t stand the loneliness of my room so I go play an online game so I can have contact with someone. My greatest fear is being alone… Like not alone like alone walking down a street in a city, Like having no human contact at all and being far from anyone else, It scares me and I think if I was ever in that position I would start crying and freeaking out. My other big fear is spiders. I dislike most bugs, but I HATYE spiders. Why am I talking about my fears? I don’t remember the purpose of this message anymore. I hope you read this my love, maybe make sense of whatever I wrote. I think I am gonna go take a shower and fall asleep, and just dream in my blackness of a dream until my dad yells at me to get up and I get ready as fast as possible but still end up late to school and miss you in the morning…I miss the school bus rides with you in the morning… I wish I could take the house I am in now back to the spot where I was before so I could be in this house yet be close to you too. I was outside so much more when I lived over there. I did parkour and all kinds of crap. But I have nothing out here other than Adam, my computer, and my computer and ps3 and stuff. I wish I could teleport . That would be nice. I think I should stop now my hands feel detached from me now. I love you so much Caroline Gamboa (Allen!) Sleep tight and I will see you some time tomorrow. Good night! Ok, let’s see if it sends.” 

….I wonder what happened to you..me…us…? 

Posted 1 year ago